Monday Morning Muse

All I Want For Christmas

So, are y'all in the Christmas spirit? I don't know why, but for some reason, I am really in the mood for the holidays this year. Perhaps it is because I have been so busy trying to work at home, that I am beginning to miss those little homemaking tasks that I used to dread. I want to make millions of cookies and compose my Christmas letter. I want to start wrapping, and get those decorations out. Usually, I am just looking forward to it all being over because it is such an ordeal to orchestrate everything. Now I'm thinking, geez, if I wasn't working at home, and working out for 2 hours a day, I'd have tons of time to get everything ready. Ah, I never appreciate what I have until it changes. I just don't know how much busier I can get without some major shifts occurring in my life. Some of them have been great, like the other night when my hubby couldn't take it any longer, and pulled out the ironing board and ironed about a month's worth of clothes! Granted 80% of them were his shirts, but still!

So, thinking about Christmas, wouldn't it be nice to have some sort of little list of the things that people really would like to receive? There are those who are easy to buy for, the tchotchke collecting, candy connoisseurs, the jewelry wearing, perfume people. The music collectors, the computer freaks who always want the latest software. Then there are those that are nearly impossible to buy for. They are the ones who buy really quality things that just never need to be replaced. They're the ones that have few hobbies and thus don't need supplies of any sort. Or those who just plain already have everything that they need. What about the folks who don't have room for anymore stuff? What the heck are you supposed to buy for them? Yeah, yeah, there are always gift certificates, but why bother with that? May as well just give them cash. May as well not exchange anything. You keep your cash, I'll keep mine. But that just doesn't feel right. I'd rather go and buy some festive dohickey, wrap it up, and give it. You know what I mean, fancy scented candles, photo calendars, homemade CD mixes, homemade cookie plates. There's just something magical about looking at the Christmas tree all decorated and lit up, with all of those packages underneath. Who really cares what they contain? I guess I did when I was a kid.

It would be fun to look over some of my old wish lists. I can't even remember what I used to pine for. I just remember one year when I was about nine years old and there were so many gifts under the tree for me, and hardly any for my two older brothers. It was befuddling. Turned out that Santa brought them each a mini bike (remember those?) so he tried to be fair and brought me a bunch of other things. My favorite was this little box that kind of looked like a portable television. It had a light inside, and you put layers of regular old scotch tape over the screen, and turned the crank and it made wild kaleidoscopic designs. It was so cool, and I played with it until I broke it. I can't even remember what it was called. I never wanted dolls, just animals and craft stuff. My little girl is just the same. One of the big boys wants only name brand cool clothes, while his twin brother wants computer software and Game Boy Advance attachments. The middle boy is easy, G.I. Joe Headquarters and Yu Gi Oh cards. My husband wants a solar powered/crank radio with a built in flashlight and clothes. I just want a camera phone with MPEG-4 capabilities, a digital camcorder, new mattress, three new toilets, Origins Vanilla Lavender body cream, the new Dido CD, 20 linen napkins, and a one year membership at Exotic Image. See how easy I am to shop for?

HUSBAND MART

A husband shopping center (Husband-Mart) has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men have jobs." The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids." The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework." "Wow!" Exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband-Mart and have a nice day."

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Politically Incorrect Christmas One Liners

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on
Christmas Eve?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
Snowballs.

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas, Mom Version

It was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The Children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
While visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie, flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh. "Now what’s the matter?"
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug,
"Oh great, " muttered mom, " Now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho-ho-ho!"cried Santa, "I’m glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" He chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" She asked, "What good is that?"
"Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
The mother’s twin. Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.
"She’ll cook, she’ll dust, she’ll mop every mess.
You’ll relax, take it easy watch The Young & the Restless."
"Fantastic!" The mom cheered, "My dream come true!
"I’ll shop, I’ll read, I’ll sleep the whole night through."
From the room above, the youngest began to fret,
"Mommy?! I'm scared, and I’m wet."
The clone replied," I’m coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."
The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
As she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
"You're the best mommy ever." " I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."
The mom frowned and said, " sorry Santa, no deal."
"That’s my child’s love, she’s trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear,
Only on loving mother is needed here."
The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won’t be very long,
When they’ll be too old, for my cradle-song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime,
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side, Santa said, "Good night,
Merry Christmas, Mom, you’ll be all right."