Monday Morning Muse

Farewell to Summer

One of our last summer hurrahs this year was a roller-blading stint at Venice Beach. It was sweltering here in Northridge and I just couldn't take it anymore. Besides, it was one of the predetermined field trips that my son had selected. Let's see, I had six kids under my charge and each one got to select a $10.00 per person outing. We started with bowling the first week, saw Legally Blond 2 the next week, and then it was camping for two weeks. We moved on to Fun Zone for a few moments of game gambling ticket acquiring frenzy. Ten bucks doesn't go very far at a place like that. We had lunch and birthday shopping at the mall, saw Pirates of the Caribbean, and finally made it down to Venice. By then I was plum out of cash so they only got $9.00 each to buy lunch and fritter away the rest however they saw fit.

We got down there in a flash and were really lucky to find convenient covered parking. The first stop was the bathroom. It then came to my attention that the pair of shorts I had worn that morning had an unseemly blemish on the backside! That simply would not do so I had to find a clothing vendor and quickly purchase some Venice shorts. They were well worth the $7.00. Back to the bathroom to change. Then we were really on our way.

The next stop was the dollar pizza joint. I was attempting to follow the Atkins diet so I passed on that one. They all ate for under $2.00 a piece. Down the strip we rolled. The performers were out in all of their splendor. I really enjoyed the one-man-band. I'm still kicking myself for leaving my camera at home. What kind of journalist do I think I am anyway? He had drum sticks taped to his elbows, played the base guitar with one foot, beat the drum with his other foot, played a Sax and I forget what else. He played five instruments at a time! Granted he only had a few tunes, but they were good ones. The kids dropped some quarters in his basket and he exclaimed to his two daughters in the crowd that they would be eating well that night. Happy Meals to be precise. He kept moving them around to make it look like he had drawn more of a crowd.

Next stop was for Henna tattoos. That took up some time so we had to stop for an ice-cream break. We were towards the North end of the strand and there is this Italian looking alley with clean shops and a delicious smelling Mexican grill and quaint little ice-cream parlor. It seemed safe and sanitary.

On our way back, yet another performer caught our eye. At first I though he was a dancing midget. But upon closer examination, I noticed that he really wasn't a midget because he wasn't properly proportioned. Nor was he a dwarf as his upper torso was completely normal. And on top of it all, his feet were pointing backwards! I thought that perhaps he was a war veteran who had lost his legs and had some sort of bizarre prosthetic which required the backwards shoes.

His radio was loud and he caught our attention so we had to see what he was all about. He introduced himself and his manager, Phillip, a small green trash can for donations, and told us that he is an Urban Underground dancer. He was born with some sort of disability called Bilateral Femoral something which means that he does not have any thighs. His shins are attached directly to his hips and his feet are facing backwards. He explained that it is a very rare condition and that in the entire United States there are only five people with his condition and that he is the only one who is not confined to a wheel-chair. And he's a dancer to boot! Now I've got to hand it to anyone who can overcome such obstacles and excel. It would be like being a blind painter or tongueless chef. It was incredible. He explained and demonstrated different dance styles from the '30's to present and introduced us to dance lingo such as "King Tut's" and "Waves". The kids were very generous with their donations.

My six year old daughter was very uncomfortable watching him even though I kept explaining that it was good positive energy and that it was by the grace of God that he was at the beach enjoying the cool breeze and educating us about dancing as opposed to sitting in a wheel chair in roasting Riverside where he told us he lives.

I thought for sure I'd be able to find a photo of him on the internet or at least a photo of someone with his condition. No such luck. I searched in vain trying to just find out the name of his condition. I don't know if he's still at Venice performing now that Summer is ending, but if anyone happens to take a little trip to see him, give a buck or two to Phillip, his manager, and ask him what the name of his condition is and email it to me because it's driving me nuts. I'm finding that it's the things that I never thought I had to know are the things that I want to know the most. You know, like, what does a cashew nut shell look like and how come nobody knows that tomato bugs turn into sphinx moths?

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir? He asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever it happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed", as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the
barn comes on in an instant." Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." He said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.
"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" Said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh, I can explain." Said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I'd shit my pants!"

He got the job!

You know you're living in 2003 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to
get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more,
except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No 9

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9