So, at the time of writing this, it's been a whopping six weeks since I began my extreme makeover. Six weeks of sweating and starving. I can now jog all the way down my culda sac to my kids' school without having to stop and gasp for breath. I can do the hour lunges, and now that I can do them without having to hold on to a bar to cheat with my arms, my butt finally got sore. People have started to notice that I am a bit slimmer, but it hasn't been the earth shattering success that I was hoping for, after this much time. My fat clothes still fit! Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am too weak to stick to Ramin's spartan diet. I just enjoy eating too damn much. I have tried every cheating option available on this low carb diet. I've invented diet low carb meals. And I am always on the quest for low carb snacks. I mean really! I never thought I'd be chatting with middle aged men (wait, I am middle aged!!!!) at Trader Joe's about witch low carb protein bar tastes better. I'm sure glad I did, though; because he turned me on to diabetic white chocolate that has zero carbs!!! It tastes delicious! I will have to keep some in stock for those emergencies when I've got to cheat!

At least with Weight Watchers, you can snack on carrots and celery and eat normal things like soup. On the low carb diet, everything has to be separate and plain. No sauce, no starch. Geez! I just want a Yoplait! But at least I can eat diabetic white chocolate now.

However, it's been fun to meet all of the new people at the gym. There's one gal about my mom's age who is my mentor. She can out run me and out lunge me and is there every day with a smile on her face and positive inspiration. Through talking, I found out that her husband is a restaurant (I finally remembered how to spell that word this week by having to teach it to my son- it starts with "rest" and ends with "rant" with a dinos"aur" in the middle. I always wanted to spell it "restaraunt") supplier. I asked her if he could get me one of those professional pizza screens that the pizza parlors use to bake their pizzas on, and she got one for me!!! I had talked to Tom over at Pizzasaurus Rex (there's that "aur" again) and I asked him where I was going wrong in my quest for preparing the perfect home made pizza. We went over dough recipes (mine was fine) we talked about toppings etc. I explained that I just wasn't happy about the crust. It was too much like bread and not enough like crust! Then I saw the little screens that he used to cook his pizza on. Where could I get one of those, I asked him. I darn near asked him to just give me one since I am his best customer. We've been ordering a pizza a week from him since we bought this house six years ago. Quick! How many pizzas is that? Considering that we buy two or more, it's well over 400!!!!! He told me to go to a restaurant supplier, but I didn't have the time to do that. Well, then I met the gal at the gym, and now I have my pan. I used it last night with Trader Joe's ready dough and pizza sauce, the oven at 515º and cooked it for a mere 10 minutes and viola! Just like Pizzasaurus Rex pizza! But the $8.50 I pay to have Tom's Pizzasaurus Rex pizza delivered to my house is worth every cent. It costs me exactly half as much to make my own, and I have to run the oven and clean the crumbs and screen. I just wanted to see if I could do it. Of course I cheated on my diet of boiled chicken, cucumber slices, and lettuce with Feta cheese, and ate two slices of delicious, carbohydrate loaded, greasy, salty pizza. I went to bed with a smile on my face and a full belly, woke up, and found that I had lost a pound in spite of myself.

Post Halloween addendum: I baked 5 more pizzas on Halloween and ate 3 pieces!! Next day, I spent the entire day cleaning and dusting the million and one tiny toys in my two younger kids' bedrooms. They candy kept calling to me and I was weak! I decided to go with it and eat it for one day. I had several of every kind that beckoned to me as I cleaned for hours. Then we went out to dinner, and I had mashed potatoes and red wine! Oh boy. I felt like an alcoholic who was out of control. I woke up the next day to be 3 pounds heavier. I swore off of the candy and jogged around the block, did 10 minutes of crunches, and rode the exercise bike for 30 minutes. I stuck to the chicken and cucumber diet and I am determined to get down to that size 8 by Christmas. I'm going to be in BIG trouble with Ramin tomorrow!

Q. Why can't witches have babies?
A. Because their husbands have HALLOW-WEENIES

*****

FAMILY BAIT

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.

The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hampton and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this."

She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees, "All right."

He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?

*****

Why do people buy their Thanksgiving Day Turkeys in Los Angeles?
Because they all had breast enlargements!

*****

Why is there no Thanksgiving in Greece?
Because they hate Turkey.

*****

How do you know your family is dysfunctional?
If Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roasted turkey!

*****

Twas the Night of Thanksgiving (R)
Joke Submitted By: Anonymous
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep I
tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.


The leftovers beckoned -- the dark meat and white, but I
fought the temptation with all of my might.


Tossing and turning with anticipation, the thought of a
snack became infatuation.


So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed at
the fridge, full of goodies galore.


I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, pickles and
carrots, beans and tomatoes.


I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, till all of a
sudden, I rose off the ground.


I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky With a
mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie


But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees.......
happy eating to all---pass the cranberries, please

Snappy comebacks

Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket,
and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a
beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down! His window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. Sign comes up
that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge
is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are
backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck! Driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

And finally #5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's
it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back
of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I
said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically
at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess
you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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