How Now Brown Cloud?
** Parental Warning- this blog contains inappropriate bathroom humor. To all of you who are faint of heart- you may want to avoid this blog about farts.**
Oh my! Well last month we talked about truth and lies so this seemed a perfect segue into robust August. So let's warm up with a riddle:
What is motherless, fatherless,
Born without skin,
Spoke one word
And never spoke again?
So how, pray tell, did I happen to happen upon this topic you may wonder. Well, my dear friend and I were having a wonderful chat about our respective days, and she happened to relay a hilarious story.
She volunteers as a docent in a Western Museum, and she had to make use of the bathroom. One of the other docents was in the stall next to her, and bequeathed an extraordinary eruption after which she proclaimed a dainty "excuse me". My friend was stumped at the appropriate response- having never been in this situation before. Was she to excuse her neighbor, and thus acknowledge the unmentionable? We pondered and pondered, but could not really think of any acceptable solution to the sound/scent pollution, and thus the birth of this blog. You are welcome in advance for this public service :-)
I found this on on the net: Click here for the full article. It was so well worded that I didn't dare plagiarize or edit in any fashion:
What is the courtesy, etiquette, and/or best way to handle audible flatulence?
Assume for the sake of this question that you're discernable as the source, either due to sonar or to simply being in a one-on-one situation.
Is it best just to pretend it didn't happen (my current tactic), or is an apology in order? (I think not, unless the smell is atrocious, simply due to the awkwardness such an apology would engender in the opposite person. How does one accept an apology for flatulence?)
Is it best not to bring it up verbally, but to widen by at least a small amount of space between yourself and the individual, so as to minimize olfactory offense? (Done when the offense is bad.)
Not the most pleasant of topics, but it occurred to me this might be a situation in which polling the masses with an anonymous Ask MeFi question might be of use to all those embarrassed to bring it up. It's not exactly a facile topic of conversation, despite the fact that most of us do it.
By the way, I should append to this question that I'm really quite serious in asking this, and not meaning it in any sort of trollish fashion. It's societally unacceptable, in most situations, to talk about flatulence, so as a result there's not much discussion as to how to minimize embarrassment surrounding it.
posted by anonymous to Society & Culture (42 answers total)
Here are a few of my favorite responses:
I would say "Excuse me," in voice approximately as loud as the sound had been and then try to forget about it. It does happen to everyone sometimes. According to Miss Manners, others are supposed to act as though nothing at all had happened. I recall that she has written that since certain bodily functions don't exist, socially speaking, therefore they mustn't be mentioned. Too bad those who write her headlines aren't familiar with this rule.
The worst time this sort of thing happens to me is in the gym. I know it's likely to happen, so I try and choose a treadmill/crosstrainer next to someone who's wearing headphones. Why not choose one on its own? Well, you never know who might walk up to the adjacent machine during the next 25 minutes and get subjected to the odious foghorn of exercise induced flatulence. That's why. Of course, if the headphone-wearer is one of those irritating perfectly dressed skinny not-a-hair-out-of-place fashion model types, that helps too. If the worst comes to the worst, and the audio-olfactory effects become obvious, the only possible course of action is to turn slightly more red whilst looking hard at the nearest other person - maybe even catching the attention of your neighbour, rolling your eyes and nodding at the innocent bystander, as if to say "guess who had beans for tea".
NEVER apologize. The awkward factor will increase exponentially. You must pretend it did not happen.
All this assumes a short sharp involuntary burst, with minimal/no smell impact. Anything more, and you're just not trying hard enough to suppress, and you shouldn't be out among the community unless and until you're willing to make a little effort.
If there is a dog, of course blame it.
Miss Manners on the subject:
Acceptable noises. These are noises such as burping or the sounds accompanying choking, to which the response should come from the noisemaker himself, provided that the choking was not complete, in which case he is absolved of all social responsibility except that of having left his papers in order. Society acknowledges that these noises are made from time to time, but does not dignify them with a response. The offender says "Excuse me," and the subject is considered closed.
Unacceptable noises. Miss Manners does not plan to mention them, chiefly because they are unmentionable, but you all know who you are. What they are. At any rate, these are noises that are acknowledged by neither the noisemaker nor the noise recipient, because socially they do not exist. The practice of staring hard at the person next to you when, for instance, your own stomach has given off a loud rumble, is therefore to be condemned on grounds of etiquette as well as morals.
I had this happen to me just a couple of weeks ago. Fortunately, the two people I was with took it well. I just said, "Excuse me. It's just that I'm so comfortable with you two..." and we laughed and that was it.
And now, one quick story of my most memorable roar from the rear. I was about 10- in the awkward stage between childhood and adolescence.I was unpleasantly plump and motivated by my older brother's success on the swim team, so I decided to join.
The pre swim workouts were horrific. Running, and sit-ups and other awful things, but from time to time the young coach would try to beak it up with physical yet fun activities. Wheelbarrow races were selected. For those of you who are not familiar with a Wheelbarrow race, it takes a team of two, one person is the "wheelbarrow" with their hands on the ground, and the other person is the wheelbarrow pusher, holding the legs of the wheelbarrow- and the person who is the wheelbarrow must walk with their hands while the person holding their legs trots behind them. Well, as fate would have it, I was the wheelbarrow and I do not even remember who my partner was- probably because I did not know a single member of the team. We were just about to begin the race when my humiliating human hydrogen bomb went off. It was so loud that the coach who was standing a good 30 feet away could hear it! My partner reacted by tossing my legs up in the air, and quickly exited the scene. I was 100 shades of red, and the coach was laughing so hard that he had to hold his belly. He responded by aborting the wheelbarrow race and had us run more laps. Of course I quit the team after that.
Speaking of the distance some farts can travel, just one more small story not involving me, and for privacy purposes, I will not name names. Once, while in a residence, I was in the living room on the computer. Another person was in the kitchen skyping with someone in Europe. Suddenly there was hysterical laughter. I could hear the person in the kitchen and the person on the other side of the world through the computer laughing uncontrollably. Not wanting to miss out on the fun, I got up to investigate. When I asked what was so funny, neither wanted to tell me, but then I was told that one of them fluffed, and the other heard it across the world thanks to modern technology.
Now there are plenty more stories, I could fill volumes, but I wouldn't want your eyes to water whilst reading this.Suffice to say that for my formidable fart, I could not use my tried and true evasion method of blaming it on the dog as there were no dogs around! And speaking of dogs, my hubby claims he can discern the difference between pooch poots and the gas we humans pass. hmmmm I am not so sure he is always accurate..... And lastly, if you want to make a lasting impression, simply let one loose and claim it!
For those of you who would like more on the subject, Benjamin Franklin's Essay The Royal Academy of Farting is well worth a read. Click Here to access it.
For another fun read from the Huffington Post regarding fart filtering underwear, Click Here.
A funny story about a foreign fart can be accessed if you Click Here
And one more hilarious story involving a young man, a young child and a department store- Click Here to access it.
Bagel Burgers ( 15 minute emergency meal for 4 )
Mix together and shape into 4 patties:
1 llb ground meat- or veggie patties if you prefer
1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1 tsp garlic salt
1 tsp ground black pepper
1 tbsp Italian Seasoning
2 tbsp A-1 Sauce
Fry the patties in a large frying pan- once the fat begins to appear, add the onions to caramelize at the same time.
While everything is cooking, slice and toast the bagels ( I used Everything bagels )
Dress them up however you prefer- we used 1000 Island dressing and that was all. Dill pickles and chips on the side.
You may wish to refer to the article again about an hour after eating this meal :-)
Know Your Terms
1. Air biscuit
2. Air tulip
3. Anal audio
4. Anal exhale
5. Anal salute
6. Anus applause
7. Answering the call of the wild burrito
8. Ass acoustics
9. Ass flapper
10. Back draft
11. Back-end blowout
12. Back blast
13. Baking brownies
15. Barking spider
16. Barn burner
18. Beep your horn
19. Belching clown
27. Booty bomb
28. Booty cough
29. Bottom blast
30. Bottom burp
31. Booty belch
32. Break wind
33. Brown cloud
34. Brown haze
35. Brown thunder
37. Bull snort
38. Bumsen burner
39. Bung blast
41. Burp out the wrong end
42. Bust ass
43. Butt bazooka
44. Butt bongos
45. Butt cheek screech
46. Butt dumpling
47. Butt sneeze
48. Butt trumpet
49. Butt tuba
50. Butt yodeling
51. Cheek squeak
53. Colon bowlin'
54. Cornhole clap
55. Cornhole tremor
56. Crack concert
57. Crack splitters
58. Crap call
59. Cut one
60. Cut the cheese
62. Droppin' stink bombs
63. Duck call
64. Exercise the meat nozzle
65. Exhume the dinner corpse
66. Fanny beep
67. Fanny frog
68. Fecal fume
69. Fire in the hole
74. Free speech
77. Get out and walk Donald
78. Great brown cloud
79. Grundle rumble
82. Heinie hiccup
85. Horton hears a poo
86. Hot wind
88. Human hydrogen Bomb
89. Insane in the methane
91. Lay an egg
92. Let Polly out of jail
93. Mouse on a motorcycle
94. Nasty cough
95. O-ring oboe
96. One-man salute
97. Orchestra practice
98. Panty burp
101. Pi p
103. Poop gopher
105. Pop tart
106. Power puff
113. Rectal turbulence
116. Roar from the rear
117. Rump ripper
118. Rump roar
119. Silly cyanide
121. Sphincter siren
122. Sphincter whistle
124. Split the seam
126. Stale wind
127. Steam-press your Calvins
129. Step on a duck
130. Step on a frog
131. Stink it up
134. Taint tickle
135. Tear ass
135. Testing in the Levi wind
137. Thunder from down under
139. Toot your own horn
141. Trouser cough
142. Trouser trumpet
143. Trunk bunk
144. Turd tremors
145. Turtle burp
146. Tushy tickler
147. Under thunder
check out today's front page all around the world!
Happy Birthday Rob, Gil, Bean, Sarah, and many others!
Beans, beans, are good for your heart!
The more you eat, the more you fart!
The more you fart, the better you feel,
So let's have beans for every meal!
I ate my beans and they were loaded,
Went to bed and they exploded!
Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
The more you eat, the more you toot,
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So lift up your leg and let one squeal!
Peaches, peaches, I smell peaches,
Yonder goes a boy with a hole in his breeches!
Going down the highway,
Johnny cut a gasser
And it blew me out the door!
The wheels couldn't stand it,
The engine blew apart,
All because of Johnny's
A little gush of wind
Straight from the heart;
It tickled down my backbone
And it's also called a fart.
A fart can be useful;
It gives the body ease,
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas
Fatty and Skinny lying in bed,
Fatty lets a fart, Skinny's dead,
Fatty calls the doctor, doctor says,
One more fart, we'll all be dead!
Gene, Gene made a machine.
Joe, Joe made it go.
Art, Art let a fart
And blew the whole machine apart.
Had a party,
All the gang was there.
Let a whopper,
All went out for air!
Had a party,
All the Farts were there;
Let a beauty,
And they all went out for air.
There once was a man from Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard on the moon;
When you'd least expect 'em
They'd burst from his rectum
With the force of a raging typhoon!!
There was a young girl of la Plata
Who was widely renowned as a farter.
Her deafening reports
At the Argentine sports
Made her much in demand as a starter.
A farting horse will never tire,
A farting man's the man to hire
Here I sit, broken hearted,
Tried to shit but only farted;
Then one day I took a chance,
Tried to fart but shit my pants!
Here I sit, cheeks a-flexin',
Giving birth to another Texan.
When I get up to wipe my ass,
I like to pass a little gas;
It clears my hole
And dries the bowl
And shows I got a lotta class.
Better to fart and bear the shame,
Than hold the fart and bear the pain!
Some come here to sit and think,
But I come here to shit and stink!
The Addams family started
When Uncle Fester farted;
Their children are retarded,
The Addams family!
Marty Barty farted,
The smell made him retarded,
The ozone was outsmarted
By the awful smell!
The Farter From Sparta
(Submitted by Steve S.)
There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
While he played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
Excuse me for my ignorance,
It wasn't very smart,
But if it came out the other end
It would've been a fart!
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