Hurricane Horrible Uh, I mean Harbor


It’s been a busy summer with my working all summer and the kids in summer school. We hadn’t even made it to the beach yet, and I was feeling tremendous guilt over not having done enough “fun” things with the kids. In phatter years, when I was running mommy’s day care, we had a movie day, a beach day, and an outing day each week, and the kids missed those days. They went to summer school to fill up the time while I was at work. We made it to the Fun Zone to play games, and to Ultrazone for Laser Tag, watched Netflix movies, and spent a lot of time in the pool.

So with summer school out and an unscheduled Friday, we decided to go to Hurricane Harbor for a bit of fun and to celebrate my nieces' birthdays. I worked half of my half day, and the deal was they were to have eaten and packed and have the house tidy by the time I got home at 11:45. Well that didn’t happen, so we didn’t even get on the road until 12:30. Then we got stuck in a huge traffic jam and practically had to park in the dirt lot because there were so many people who had beaent us there. But at least there was no line to purchase our tickets, and I had discount coupons.

It was almost 2 by then, and I didn’t want to take more time getting a locker for our old towels. We had nine of them in a huge Mexican beach bag, along with various clothes and my summer reading book, and I decided we would leave it in a designated spot by the jungle river and pick it up on our way out. We got in line for our first ride right at the time the lifeguards were doing their switch, and had to wait over an hour! All of the wait times were tremendous but that was to be expected. We took a break and had a treat and then went on the rides until 7:30.

When we went back to retrieve our bag, there was a cute little lifeguard dude blocking our entrance to the area where we had left it. I guess they have to clear out the park that way. I explained that we had left our bag, and he let me through to go and look for it. To my surprise, it wasn’t there! Oh mah gawd!!!! Some twerp swiped our bag! I sent my eldest in to verify my findings. It was indeed gone.

I just couldn’t believe that anyone would bother to steal our sun-bleached torn towels in a $2.50 Mexican beach bag. I figured one of the park employees had taken it to guest services. We asked lifeguard dude if he recalled seeing anyone walk out with the bag. He seemed to recall a man asking to go and retrieve the bag prior to us arriving on the scene. He thought the bag had flowers on it, but I explained that ours was plaid. I told the kids that maybe someone had picked it up by mistake, and we were off to guest services to see if we could find it.

Of course it wasn’t there, so I filled out a report, and they told me they would mail it to us if found. I told the kids to keep their eyes peeled for it, as sometimes, when people steal bags that don’t contain wallets or good booty, they just toss them to the wayside. We were all pretty bummed, especially my niece who lost an entire outfit, and I who lost my special order out of print summer reading book that I was half way through. I didn’t care about the towels but the book was a drag. I would have to reorder it or try to get it from the library, and all I wanted to do at that time was get everyone fed and home, crawl into my bed and read my book!

We were on the long walk back to our van which was parked in another time zone, and I was still mumbling something about my having really good karma and that we would probably get our bag back, when my niece and son simultaneously screeched, “There’s our bag!!!!!!” I looked up to see our big blue and white plaid bag with the telling green towel sitting on top of someone else’s van! I screeched, “That’s my bag!!!!” and started to lift it off of the van. Just then a rather rough looking man came around saying, “What are you doing?” I explained that our bag was on top of his van and that I was going to take it back.

A Good Samaritan happened to witness this and decided to back me up. He had a couple of kids with him and blended in to our group so that the van man didn’t really know if he was with us or not. Van man said that he had found the bag on the ground so he decided to take it. He then rifled through it to be sure that none of his stuff was in my bag. I reminded him that this was our bag so how could his stuff get in it? I noticed it was down a few towels, but at that point I was so thrilled to get it back that I didn’t care. Worried about a possible altercation, I opted not to do an inventory check on the spot.

The Good Samaritan told me that he was worried that the van man was going to “give me some stuff” and he wanted to prevent that. I thanked him and we continued walking to our van. I wondered out loud what the probability was of our seeing our bag on someone else’s car! My eldest quickly answered that it was one out of all of the cars parked in that lot. I guess the math paid off. His twin was relieved to get back the nice Nike shirt he had purchased with his own cash, the middle boy remarked that this was the workings of God, my eldest niece commented that she didn’t care about getting her sarong back, my youngest niece was still bummed that her t-shirt was still missing, my daughter was bummed about her sandals being gone, and I was distraught at the thought of my missing book. I couldn’t get over why anyone would bother to remove an old faded paperback novel. It was ironically titled, “Tomorrow Will Be Better”, and there was no way they could have known that it was rare and cost me $12.00 on half.com! They also took the two best towels. My niece saw two girls in the van, one her age and one the age of my daughter so that explained the missing clothes but why the book?

We cruised McDonald’s and I brought my nieces home and then drove back to our house. It was nearly 10 PM by the time I got home. The kids couldn’t wait to tell their dad, who couldn’t wait to say, “I told ya so”, and lecture me on my naïveté. I reminded him that all of the money saved on locker fees over the past eight or so years more than made up for the missing towels. I admitted to poor judgment and promised that I would get a locker in the future, although I vowed that I would NEVER go back to that place. Thank God that I had kept my keys and money with us at all times. Thank God my cell phone was in the other bag in the car!

As I wasn’t going to get to read my book, I opted to watch freaky news stories on 20/ 20 until midnight and go to bed. I decided that I would reorder my book and hoped that one would be available. Whaddaya know? The next morning I got up and went to get the newspaper and just happened to glance on our entryway piece where I usually throw my purse and keys, and there was my book! I guess in my big rush to get out the door, it never made it into the towel bag after all. My son had previously mentioned that he thought he had seen it on there, but my niece remembered seeing it in the bag when she was looking for my phone while we were caught in the traffic jam. Maybe it was indeed the workings of God. In any event, tomorrow would be better. We went to LACMA to see the Tim Hawkingson exhibit, which was FABULOUS (I highly recommend going to see this if you like quirky art. Check it out by clicking here.) and free after 5 PM, then for a delicious dinner of Greek food and then to the Hollywood Bowl to see live music and fireworks and the best part about it was that we didn’t need no stinkin locker and we didn’t have to wait. and hubby was along for the ride so I needn't rely on Good Samaritans for protection!

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old man......didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and ended up in bed with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

***

Definitions by Gender

"THINGY":
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

"VULNERABLE":
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

"COMMITMENT":
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend.

"ENTERTAINMENT":
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

"FLATULENCE":
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.

"COMMUNICATION":
Female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

"BUTT":
Female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.
Male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.

***

I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. 
- Andy Rooney

***

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! they spelled MACY'S wrong.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

***

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above:
"You will live to be 100."

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard
"You will live to be 100."

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?".

God said: "I didn't recognize you".

August 1, 2005
Next Post date September 5, 2005
THERE ARE NO HOLIDAYS IN AUGUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tim Hawkinson's Balloon sculpture now at LACMA.
Muslim Toilet (Remind me never to visit!)

Has anyone else besides me noticed that battery sizes directly correspond to cup sizes in bras?? And that there always seems to be an abundance of double A's and D's, but nothing really in the middle? That little pink bunny really has a dirty mind...

***

There was a car wreck by my house last night. a guy got the whole left side of his body cut off.
He's all right now.

***

Four Dallas Cowboys in a car--who's driving?
The sheriff!!!!

***

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

***

How do you throw away a garbage can?

***

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said:
 "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
 He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."
 There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

***

DUMB SPORTS QUOTES

"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?
Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."  (Greg Norman)

"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

"Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering)

"That's inches away from being millimeter perfect." (Ted Lowe)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round."  (Tony Crozier)

***

One day a neighbor of the blonde's go over to her house and sees the blonde crying and asked her what had happened and the blonde said that her mother was in a terrible car accident.
The neighbor made her some coffee and settled her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.
She asked her why she was crying again. The blonde replied with, "I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother was in a horrible accident too!"

***

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his  clerk's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the  bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that  terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted  thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get  rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit  we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his  guide dog bit me."

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