He Done Lost His Shorts!
The twins survived their first semester of High School and it was time to take inventory of school supplies and uniforms etc. Planning for the second semester was not nearly so overwhelming as preparing for that first semester. My Gawd, I was too cheap to buy double sets of High School textbooks from the handy dandy book store, and I spent an incomprehensible amount of time purchasing used textbooks for a fraction of the price from half.com. I was very grateful for that helpful tidbit tossed my way from one of my book club cohorts. I was fortunate enough to have my niece and her best friend both in the honors track just one year above my incoming twins who were also in the honors track. I purchased most of the needed books directly from them at a substantial savings, but I had to break down and purchase the P.E. uniforms from the book store. Not knowing which twin would have P.E. first, I bought one size "medium" shorts and one size "small" shorts, as the twins are clearly not identical.
As it turned out, the smaller of the two had P.E. that first semester and his brother had Health. The smaller dude was, of course, supposed to use the "smaller" shorts. He brought them to school, and with a lock he borrowed from his cousin, left the P.E. clothes in the locker during the week to be brought home on Fridays to be washed. All was fine, even though the P.E. clothes only came home about once a month. One time, they never came home, and I figured he kept forgetting to bring them home, so to bail him out, I sent him to school with his brother's larger shorts. They were huge on him, but at least had the string that he could tighten to keep them on.
Second semester came upon us, and it was time to trade the P.E. lock for the Health book as they were switching courses. When I went into their room to find the medium shorts and P.E. shirt, I was surprised to find two "small" pairs of shorts and no "medium". I knew I hadn't purchased two pairs of "small" P.E. shorts. Was I beginning to lose it? The bigger boy tried on the smaller shorts, and said that they fit okay and would do.
They next day he came home from school utterly mortified. He is not athletic. His twin brother, the smaller one, is extrememly athletic and competitive. They had to play basketball, which he hates, and his shorter brother loves. So it was bad enough having to go to P.E. with a coach who had already met his athletic twin brother, and have to play a sport that he wasn't inclined to be good at. I asked him if anyone was aware that he was the twin of athletic boy. He said that no one would believe that they were even related, until he showed them his borther's name penned onto his gym shorts. To make matters worse, his shorts were the "shortest" shorts on the court. How humiliating. He came home and stated that he needed bigger shorts immediately.
So once again, I had to take inventory. Yes, I had just turned 44, but I knew I had purchased a size "medium" pair of P.E. shorts, and doggone it, I was going to locate them. I suddenly recalled that I had personally given the larger shorts to the smaller twin one day when he had not brought home his P.E. clothes to be washed. I asked him if the shorts were perchance in his drawer. He emphatically exclaimed that they were not. I argued that I had given him the shorts, and that if they were missing, it was on account of him being irresponsible, and he would have to replace them. In any event, his brother could not have lost them as he hadn't had occassion to wear them yet. Finally, two pair of P.E. shorts were produced, and both of them were size "small". I was shaking my head in confusion. It just wasn't adding up.
We decided to go on a bike ride, and as we were riding, the smaller twin decided it would be a safe time to fess up. He told me that one of his classmates had asked to "borrow his gym clothes," since he had forgotten his and would get a lowered grade without gym clothes. My son, being a trusting sort, just like his ma, gladly gave out the locker number and combo. Well, when he went back to bring home the clothes, they, and the lock, were long gone never to be returned. He literally lost his brother's shorts!
Rather than tell us what had happened, he opted to replace the gym clothes and lock out of his own cash, some forty dollars worth of merchandise. So that would explain how he went from being Mr. moneybags to being Jo broke seeminly overnight. I couldn't believe he had frittered away such a large chunk of his own dough on intermittent burgers. Now it all made sense. Cents?
I was surprised both he and his brother were able to keep this info from me for such a long time. It was now too late to prove anything regarding the missing P.E. clothes. No use calling the kid's mom or involving the school counselor at this point. I was glad that I had indeed not gone crazy about either the shorts or the money. And I was secretly proud of him for being the generous helpful soul that he is. I didn't think he needed to be punished for attempting to do a good deed, so I decided to pay him back, little by little. At least he knows his secrets are safe with his twin. I am the one who got burned as I had to buy another pair of shorts for the one boy, and pay back the other boy. It was sixty bucks well spent if you ask me. I am glad they are good kids. I wonder what that other boy bought with the money he was supposed to use to buy P.E. clothes and a lock?
I found this in an office where they charge $200/hr for services! I don't know who wrote it, but I thought it was great and well worth sharing:
A Philosophy to Live By:
The more you give, the more you get.
The more you laugh, the less you fret,
The more you do unselfishly,
The more you live abundantly.
The more of everything you share,
The more you will always have to spare.
The more you love, the more youll find,
That life is good and friends are kind.
For only what we give away,
Enriches us from day to day.
The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor. He takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them. G.B Shaw
At a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely. W. Somerset Maugham
No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up. Robert Lynd
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde
I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer. Brendan Behan
I'm looking over a four-leaf clover
That I overlooked before
One leaf is sunshine, the second is rain,
Third is the roses that grow in the lane.
No need explaining the one remaining
Is somebody I adore.
I'm looking over a four-leaf clover
That I over looked before.
When Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure it's like a morning spring.
You can hear the angels sing
When Irish hearts are happy
All the world seems bright and gay
And when Irish eyes are smiling
Sure, they steal your heart away.
May luck be our companion
May friends stand by our side
May history remind us all
Of Ireland's faith and pride.
May God bless us with happiness
May love and faith abide.
Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter
Lullabies, dreams, and love ever after.
Poems and songs with pipes and drums
A thousand welcomes when anyone comes.
That's the Irish for you!
There's a dear little plant that grows in our isle,
'Twas St.Patrick himself, sure, that sets it;
And the sun of his labor with pleasure did smile,
And with dew from his eye often wet it.
It grows through the bog, through the brake, through the mireland,
And they call it the dear little Shamrock of Ireland.
Dance as if no one were watching,
Sing as if no one were listening,
And live everyday as if it were your last.
|Muslim Toilet (Remind me never to visit!)|
Jan and Johnny, two lovers with braces,
Now kissed on innocuous places,
For both sought relief
From the mouth-mangling grief
They had suffered when joining their faces.
St Patricks Day Jokes
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
A: They like to "go" first class!
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night sh hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
-Submitted by: Tony Monaghan
Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a
train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
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