Soccer Mom Sideline Symposium

For this month's column, I thought I might share a smattering of what some soccer moms actually discuss while sitting on the sidelines feigning interest during yet another tournament game at which their little darlin's won't be the victors. (Needless to say, if the team has even a remote chance at winning, most of our eyes are glued on the game as it could mean really happy papas and that can turn into a cause for celebration- like dinner out... Naw, we like to see our kids succeed- but when they are losing, we tend to yammer a bit.)

So my hubby is diligently coaching a tournament team for my youngest, and doing a fabulous job at that. In an effort to be extra considerate this Mother's Day, he had opted to swap the Sunday practice for a scrimmage the Friday evening prior (he learned from last year that soccer tournaments and Mother's Day go together like milk and mustard- heh heh heh.) So baby and I went up to the fields for the pre dinner scrimmage. She trotted off with coach papa, and I had to, uh, use the facilities. When I came out, I noticed one of her teammate's mom sitting in her car attempting to rest up a bit. She looked like she was not having a banner day, and being a typical Aquarian, and having an hour to kill during the pre scrimmage practice, I decided to interrupt her quiet time and chat.

I asked her what she thought was in store for Mother's Day this year. The conversation went smething like this- I will use "M" for "me" and "H" for "her".

M: So what are your plans for Mother's Day this year?

H: Oh, I dunno. Probably the same as every year. I'd just like to be able to sleep in, and not wake up to "Moooooooooom Moooooom!!!"

M: Oh. Your little guy still wakes you up often? That's a bummer. My girlie used to wake up at 2 AM every night for juice until she was 5 years old. It drove me mad!

H: I'll probably get a bunch of stuff that I won't ever use.

M: Like what?

H: Well, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, my husband tries sooo hard, but, well, for my birthday- you remember Cookies and Cream icecream don't ya? From like 20 years ago?

M: Yes, I am familiar with that flavor.

H: Well, when it first came out, I must have thought it was cool- you know- hey! it's got cookies in it! So every year for my birthday, my husband takes the kids to Baskin Robbins, and buys this huge Cookies and Cream icecream cake! It was okay when we had the coffin cooler in the garage- but we don't have that anymore and I have nowhere to store the rest of it, and I certainly won't eat it. So then it's a big hassle to deal with. And I get the same cake every year for the past 20 years.

M: Why don't you just tell your daughter to tell him you'd rather have a pie?

H: I did! The last time he took her in there, she said, "Dad, don't you know that Mom doesn't like Cookies and Cream?" She told me he said, "Sure she does! It's her favorite!" And my daughter asked him point blank, "Dad, have you ever seen her take a bite?" and he said, "It's her favorite!" And he's so proud of actually remembering to get there and buy it and all, I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.So every year, I know what to expect- Cookies and Cream icecream cake and some piece of jewelry that i'll never wear. I think he belongs to the Mr. T. jewelry club or something.

M: Mr. Tea jewlery club? What is that? Is it like Beatrix Potter or something? That sounds nice...

H: Mr. T! You know, the rapper? He always buys these huge necklaces that hurt when I wear them and walk! So I put them on in the morning until I get in my car where I take them off, and put them in my purse, and then I put them back on before I go in the house after work. I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. He tries so hard.

M: But that's awful! You'll never get what you want this way. What would you like to receive instead?

H: Well, I run every morning, so a new pair of running shoes would be great. Or some workout gear. (She is very slender.) But instead, i'll get a huge floral arrangement sent to the office. I mean, it's embarrassing. The last one was so big it had its own eco system with little flies buzzing around it. There was no room on my desk and it was just a hassle. And I pay the bills, and it just kills me to see what he spends on those flowers!

M: Yeah, we had that conversation too. My husband is really traditional and likes to buy a dozen red roses. They cost so much, and are so predictable, so I took the plunge and told him once, how about a multi colored arrangement of Tulips just to shake it up here and there? Needless to say, it hurt his feelings and I don't get the flower arrangements very often anymore. The thing about flowers is that they die. For the same amount of money I could have something to last like a good book or music CD. I think it's easier to buy flowers than shoes that fit, or good books.

H: And then he'll say, "Let's go out to dinner.I feel like a big piece of red meat!" I don't eat red meat, and he always wants to go to that place by the mall, what's it called?

M: Claim Jumper?

H: Yes. That's the one. And he'll order the biggest piece of Prime Rib they have and tell the waiter to just walk it through a warm kitchen, so it's like all bloody on his plate, totally takes away my appetite.

M: Yeah, my husband is always craving red meat too! Must be a man thing. Going out to dinner is never about me. If it were up to me, we'd go eat Thai or Indian food. Really, anything but Italian, Mexican, and Beef! So I just go where I want with my friends and have given up on aver going where I want to go for dinner with the family. My oldest son and I have similiar dining tastes and we go for Vietnamese sometimes. It would be nice to take turns. Where would you want to go if you were picking?

H: Oh I don't know. Somewhere where they serve good salads.

M: So every year you can expect flowers and jewelry you don't want, an icecream cake you don't like and dinner out to a restaurant you don't like?

H: Pretty much.

M: Well, I hope you have a nice Mother's Day anyway. At least we won't be at a tournament like last year. Last year was the worst Mother's Day I ever had. We had a tournament that weekend, and I was given a lounge chair to sit in, but I never got to sit in it since he had to go to the fields and I had to go shopping and make dessert for 30. My two younger kids were into it and make lovely cards, but the twins skipped it and my husband was yelling at them to make a card, so they just used ready made clip art on the computer and made a bunch of typos. I guess it would be weird for teenaged boys to be "into" Mother's Day. The whole day was so not about me. This year I have no expectations. I don't really need anything, but come to think of it, I do need a new pair of running shoes. Maybe i'll ask for that

Addendum:

I saw her again at a post Mother's Day practice. I asked her how it went.

M: So how'd your Mother's Day go?

H: Great! They really surprised me and went to Bed Bath and Beyond, and I got some much needed new towels! How was yours?

M: Pretty good.. I slept in, read the newspaper on the couch until 10,and my daughter served me my Jenny Craig Breakfast Scramble on a TV tray. I got the running shoes, but I need to exchange them. My husband wouldn't buy the ones my daughter selected, and I already had the ones he bought, and they gave me blisters, which is why I needed new ones, Then I went grocery shopping, but he picked up dessert for the dinner for 30 at his mom's. God bless her. She had 12 kids and she got to host dinner for 30 on Mother's Day! I asked if anyone came over ahead of time to help, and she made a funny face and told me that she had set the table up the previous Thursday as they had plans Friday and Saturday. I presume thatmeant "No." I wonder what her dream day would have been? Maybe spending it a t a restaurant that serves good salads......?

My husband found this on Yahoo and emailed it to me:

Summer is right around the corner! Here are six strategies that can help you lose weight--and keep it off.


1. Consider the buddy system. Some people do better if they have a friend, spouse, therapist, someone they can talk to about successes or setbacks. Ideally, this person is nonjudgmental and unconditionally supportive. If you thrive with a little help from your friends, go ahead and ask for their help and guidance.

2. Slow your eating. Taste your food. Savor the texture. Put your fork down between every two bites and sip water during your meal.

3. Keep sugarless gum always on hand. Sugarless gum can give you a hit of something sweet, keep your mouth busy (so you'll be less likely to snack), and clean your teeth when you can't brush.

4. Shock your tongue. Be liberal with spices-chile peppers, curry, hot salsa, wasabi. Hot and spicy flavors encourage slower eating. Hot (temperature-wise), low-calorie beverages can also help you feel satisfied and hydrated. When you're bored, it's possible to nurse a hot cup of skim latte, green or herbal tea, or diet hot cocoa for much longer than it would take to eat a snack.

5. Get enough sleep. During sleep, our bodies rest and regenerate, so we can be strong and clear-headed the following day-clear-headed enough to make wise food choices. What's more, sleep deprivation causes an imbalance in certain hormones, including ghrelin (which causes weight gain) and leptin (which decreases appetite). When we don't get enough sleep, our levels of ghrelin go up (more weight gain) and levels of leptin go down (so we are hungrier). Don't think of it as downtime, but as another important facet of your nutrition plan.

6. Donate your "fat clothes." Losing weight is a major accomplishment. As soon as an item of clothing is too big for you anymore, give it away. Don't keep it in your closet as part of your "just in case" wardrobe. It is easier to back-slide if you have bigger pants to slide into.

For low calorie meal plans, recipes and more information on losing weight, check out Joy's new book Joy Bauer’s Food Cures

And here is my response:

Are you trying to tell me something?

My tips would be:

1) Avoid packing 5 lunches per day and actually having to repeatedly touch the chips and cookies that you can't eat. Have family members take over this duty while you are on a diet.

2) Refrain from preparing delicious meals for the family such as marinated BBQ'd meats and potatoes. You will be tempted to eat what your kids chose not to eat. Instead, serve prepackaged items or have another family member prepare the meal and do the dishes.

3) Avoid going to work where donuts, bagels and cookies are frequently brought in for the employees. Instead, use this time to go for a long walk with your dog or to the gym.

4) Get plenty of rest. Studies show that sweeping floors greatly increases your appetite for sweets.

***

Subject: The Priest and the Hairdryer

The Priest and the Hairdryer:

An attractive young woman on a plane asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

June 4, 2007
Next Post date: July 4th, 2007
Happy Father's Day!

Super Dad BBQing for 60 people with a pulled calf muscle. He pulled it valiantly trying to beat his son's tournament team in the father-son finale! Dad's lost after he pulled his muscle! It was just too hot!
2007!

Father's Day

Fathers Are Wonderful People
Fathers Are Wonderful People
- Helen Steiner Rice

Fathers are wonderful people Too little understood,
And we do not sing their praises
As often as we should...

For, somehow, Father seems to be
The man who pays the bills,
While Mother binds up little hurts
And nurses all our ills...

And Father struggles daily
To live up to "his image"
As protector and provider
And "hero of the scrimmage"...

And perhaps that is the reason
We sometimes get the notion,
That Fathers are not subject
To the thing we call emotion,

But if you look inside Dad's heart,
Where no one else can see
You'll find he's sentimental
And as "soft" as he can be...

But he's so busy every day
In the grueling race of life,
He leaves the sentimental stuff
To his partner and his wife...

But Fathers are just wonderful
In a million different ways,
And they merit loving compliments
And accolades of praise,

For the only reason Dad aspires
To fortune and success
Is to make the family proud of him
And to bring them happiness...

And like Our Heavenly Father,
He's a guardian and a guide,
Someone that we can count on
To be always on our side.

***

Father's Day Humor
Funny Quotes

* To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. - Ernest Hemingway

***

* The thing to remember about fathers is... they're men. A girl has to keep it in mind: They are dragon-seekers, bent on improbable rescues. Scratch any father, you find someone chock-full of qualms and romantic terrors, believing change is a threat, like your first shoes with heels on, like your first bicycle... - Phyllis McGinley

***

* If the relationship of father to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with the glory of fathers and sons. - James Baldwin

***

* My father hated radio and he could not wait for television to be invented so that he could hate that too. - Peter De Vries

***

* Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards. - Robert Orben

***

* Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons


Definitions Not in Dictionary

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born 
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

and MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. 
I have character lines.

***

How To Plant Your Garden
First, you Come to the garden alone,
while the dew is still on the roses....

FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING,

PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:

1. Peace of mind
2. Peace of heart
3. Peace of soul

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:

1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:

1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another

NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:

1. Turnip for meetings
2. Turnip for service
3. Turnip to help one another

TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:

1. Thyme for each other
2. Thyme for
family
3. Thyme for friends

WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE.
THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP
WHAT YOU SOW. NOT BAD,HUH?!

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