Potty Talk

My hub and I are ever on the quest to save a bit of cash here and there so we can continue to live the good life in spite of recent pay cuts. I spend hours a week clipping coupons and shopping at many different stores for gorcery savings. I pack lunches for everyone and bake most of our treats myself. In fact, I have to fire off an email to Teri, the founder of www.thegrocerygame.com, to thank her again for her awesome list. Last week I went to Vons and followed her list of Von's Club and coupon rock-bottom buys. I purchased a lot of beverages and fresh meats as well as other sundry items. My original bill was a whopping $250.00, but after the Von's Club and coupons, I only owed a mere $100.00! And that was just at Vons. I went on to Ralphs and saved an additional $60.00. I figure I save close to $600.00 on grocerys a month. Almost pays for private school!

Now my better half thinks on a different level. When he's home he's constantly wandering around the house turning off lights that were left on and imposing new rules only allowing one television or computer to be on at a time. Then why do we have two? He relents on rare occassions, like when we have company. He recently bought the energy conserving new washer and dryer, and he had some sort of additional meter installed in our front yard that's supposed to save us energy costs somehow. He's had our house repiped, the pool heater disconnected, and the air conditioning is never to be turned on without approval. His latest thing was new toilets. You see, I controll what's going in, and he's controlling the way that it's going out! Actually, I wanted the new toilets too. Nothing could have been worse than the toilets that came with our beautiful house.

I remember the morning after we had moved in. I did my usual business in my lovely bathroom that has a chandelier in it, and heck if it wouldn't flush away!!!! I had to call him in for assistance, and received the old coat hanger lesson for coercing waste to glide down the pipe! Yikes. It was a lesson I would use over and over. Maybe has something to do with women being toilet paper wadders instead of folders. (I read somewhere that men generally fold their toilet paper while women wad theirs into a ball. I wonder if this is due to anatomical reasons, or if it reveals something about our personalities.) And then the toilet in the boys' bathroom is leaking and has discolored the linoleum something awful. We'll need to put in a new sub floor and baseboards etc. Now, the toilet in the blue bathroom actually took care of business pretty well, but it was always running, and I was getting tired of having to constantly jiggle the handle. So we decided to replace them.

My husband called our family plumber, the most honest business man I know, to ask about installing the toilets. He is the one who told us about the Niagara Water Conservation Toilet Replacement Program. He said they would come to our house, take out the old toilets and install the new toilets free of charge. No paying and then getting a rebate, it was just plain FREE. Hey now! So hubby looked into it, and sure enough it was true. The only catch was that you could only get two toilets free, and would have to pay an additional $50.00 for the third toilet. So we agreed on our home enhancement. I didn't care what the toilets looked like so long as they worked. Hubby was worried. It seemed too good to be true to him.

So the next week two guys showed up to do the job. I had to run up our street in my workout gear to catch them before they arrived to our empty house. They must have thought I was a nut when they saw me running. They explained that we were also getting free shower heads and sink aerators! What a bonanza. I had strict orders not to let them install the shower heads, but to get them anyway. Perhaps we could sell them at a garage sale. Just kidding! I guess they are just spares. It took them all of 45 minutes to remove and replace the three porcelain pots.

I got to peek inside their truck to see all of the old groady toilets on one side with the new boxed up toilets on the other side. I wondered what on earth they were going to do with all of those old toilets. Were they going to be shipped off somewhere to be used by less fortunate souls? I decided it wouldn't hurt to ask. The kindly installer informed me that the old toilets were brought to some sort of processing plant to be ground up into a fine dust which is then used to make raised dividers on our streets! Imagine that! So when we think that some people become _ _ _ holes behind the wheel, we're really not so far off. I did a bit of research to verify this fact, and indeed it is true. So go ahead, take the plunge (forgive the pun) and get your free toilet knowing that you are not only saving water, but also contributing to the safety of our roads.

Jewel's Jokes

A Fart

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known,
To sound just like a song.

Some farts do not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger awhile.

A fart can create
A most-curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, but deadly.

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.

So be not afraid
Of the invisible gas,
For always remember,
That farts, too, shall pass

***

For more potty poems, click on this link to starwrecked.com.

Roses are Red

Noses are red, faces are blue,
You stunk up the can, with the fart that you blew.

Roses are red, to freshen the loo,
To cover the stench, in the mall rest room.

The roses are dead, the warnings are true,
That god awful stench, must have come outta you.

Roses are red, Violets are blue,
A perv in an outhouse, gets a shitty rear view.

Roses are red, toilets are white,
I'm forcing it out, with all of my might.

Roses are pink, toilets can stink,
The pipes are all plugged, gotta piss in the sink.

Roses are red, and they smell pretty too,
but not when they grow, in big piles of poo.

Roses are red, and have thorns that can cut,
So don't ever use them, to wipe your bare butt.

Roses are red, Violets are blue,
The dog took a crap, in your favorite new shoes

***

The Old Gas Station

The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log -- jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell -- got up,
And then In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here.

 

This poem was written
by an unknown source

Happy Mother's Day!
May 3, 2004
Next Post date June 7, 2004
Muslim Toilet (Remind me never to visit!)
One step at a time!

Jewel's Quotes

Criticism has few terrors for a man with a great purpose.

- Disraeli, "Life of Lord George Bentinck"

***

The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the old man who will not laugh is a fool.

-  George Santayana

***

A glutton in youth, a beggar in old age.

- Yiddish Proverb

***

It ain't bragging if you can do it.

-  Dizzy Dean

***

Stop the habit of wishful thinking and start the habit of thoughtful wishes.

-  Mary Martin

***

The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself.

-  Lao-Tzu


***

If there's no wound on the hand,
that hand can hold poison.
Poison won't penetrate
where there's no wound.
There's no evil
for those who don't do it.

-Dhammapada, 9, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

***

A learned man's learning shines the brightest
among luminaries capable of critiquing his language.

Speaking to an audience of thinking men
is like watering a bed of growing plants.

-Tirukkural 72: 717-718

***

Sundays, quiet islands on the tossing seas of life.

-  S.W. Duffield


***

One who imitates what is bad always goes beyond his model; while one who imitates what is good always comes up short of it.

-  Francesco Guicciardini

***

The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.

-  Carl Jung

***

When the solution is simple, God is answering.

-  Albert Einstein

***

Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech.

-  Unknown

***


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