Too Many Variables!!!!


Okay, I know that I've slipped off the side of the planet again! It happens every so often and one of these days I will learn how to handle it better. It starts with a little miscommunication here, a double -booked appointment there, and festers into a life filled with strife and utter chaos. It seems as though I am a Martian and can't seem to communicate well with many people. Or they can't communicate with me! As I know it can't be everyone else, I have deduced that these episodes are self-induced by yours truly.

You see, I tend to be a rather concrete individual. I need to first know the facts, then put them into chronological order and see how much time or effort is still needed or might be leftover, in order to complete the everyday equations of my life. You know, like 2+2 =4. Not 2+2 might equal 4 if you get the first "2" by starting with a "5" and subtracting 3, and you get the second "2," by starting with "12" and dividing by 6, and if all the planets line up, you might end up with 4!

Perhaps this is where the importance of learning inequalities comes into play. Yep- I never did master inequalities. I had to ask Computer Boy what the heck the open circle on the line graph represented! I don't recall ever having seen an open circle on a line graph in my life. From the worksheet I was trying to help Buddha Boy complete while at Princess' evening soccer practice in the wind and dark, I was able to infer that the open dot meant "not including the number on the graph that it was placed above." Buddha Boy was mystified and had no idea, and of course the handy dandy Math book was left at home! Computer Boy, who has a good grip on Honors Trig and darn well knows what to do with variables, was able to concisely and effectively explain the open circle line graph math problems, bless his heart.

So let me now attempt to speak English and illustrate, sans the use of mathematical equation metaphors, what the heck I am whining about. Here is a typical scenario in my life: Last Thursday, soccer practices were cancelled due to the awful fires, and God bless those who were victimized, as well as those who were helping! So, we decided to make an impromptu trip to the mall to buy the red patent leather shoes that Princess had been pining for. We had to go immediately upon my return home from work at 5 PM after picking up Soccer Boy from school, and no one wanted to chow micro-waved leftovers prior to our jaunt. The mall experience was grand, and we arrived home at around 7:30 at which point Buddha Boy mentioned that his Science Fair Proposal was due the next day- but not to worry- the other group member was going to do it. Problem was, we had the book at our house, so "we" (I) had to do it. I was lucky enough to have last years' paper saved on the computer and was in the midst of trying to scan the pages from the book, ( while CD's were falling off my desk and important papers were drifting into the waste basket) when the phone rang. Mind you, no one had even eaten dinner yet!

It was the mom of one of Buddha Boy's dear friends inviting him to a special birthday party involving a free airplane ride at Whiteman Airport on Saturday. Of course Buddha Boy had a soccer game at the same time, but perhaps (uh oh- variable word!) if he missed the last quarter, I could run him to the airport in time if (uh oh, another variable word) hubby could get Princess to her game. So we left it at that. Turned out, the planets did line up, and the games were cancelled due to the fires. No conflict meant that I could get him to the airport no problem.

Now Computer Boy has just taken on a new job and had to work until midnight Friday night. I picked him up along with his first paycheck, and he mentioned that he "might " (doggone it- another variable) work for someone on Saturday at 4 PM, which meant that his uniform would need to be washed -just in case. I collapsed into bed at 1 AM Friday and got up at 7 AM Sat to hurriedly design and print an aeronautical birthday card as I hadn't had time to purchase a real card. I decided to wash that uniform just in case. Of course there were clothes in the washer and clothes in the dryer, so I folded the clothes in the dryer, transferred the clothes from the washer to the dryer and put the dirty uniform in the washer prior to going to the birthday party.

As it turned out, I ended up staying much later than anticipated at the party, and decided to call home to see whether Computer Boy was indeed going to work at 4, because if so, there was the wet uniform to contend with. Hubby, who is great with helping with the laundry, was busy assisting with the driveway expansion project and was not available to assist with transportation or laundering.

I returned home from the party at around 3 PM and noticed that Princess had invited a friend over (no mention what time she was going to be picked up- another variable), Soccer Boy informed us that he was going to a friend's and then bowling (again, no mention of what time he would be coming home) and hubby had invited our dear friend for dinner (no mention of what time) and Buddha Boy had gone back to the house of the birthday boy and was supposed to return home at 5 PM.

Hmmmmmmm, how was all of this going to happen? I asked Princess what time her friend was going to be picked up and she was unclear. Our friend called to ask about dinner (I got the feeling that she wanted to opt out and come on Sunday instead, but hubby insisted that dinner was still going to happen at about 8 PM. Buddha Boy called to see if he could return home at 7PM instead of 5 PM which probably means he was fed dinner already. Princess and her buddy decided it would be a good idea for Princess to spend the night at her friend's house so she vacated the scene.

At this point, I figured I would just plod along and feed the dog and finish the laundry. I went into the laundry room and transferred the wet clothes to the dryer and walked out of the room only to hear the dryer door pop open. How odd. Turns out the dryer door spring broke so I had to hang up the dad blasted wet uniform. Thank GOD Computer Boy didn't have to work at 4 that day! 7 PM rolled along and Soccer and Buddha Boy had yet to return, and there was no sign of our guest. Computer Boy was busy on his computer, hanging quite well with all of the variables. I was sitting there crabbily typing this whiny column, and hubby was obliviously working in the yard in the dark probably famished. If ever there were a night to just stay home and order a pizza, this was it, but he had his mind set on red wine and spaghetti at a little restaurant down the street.
Since the picky eaters weren't going to be dining with us, I proposed an evil plan to Computer Boy since he and I were craving sushi, which is way off from red wine and spaghetti. I bribed him with five bucks to plant the sushi seed in the dinner guest's ear, knowing damn well that if she suggested sushi, we were far more likely to get it than if I had requested it. I must have plugged in the correct variable because I got the desired result and Hubby, dinner guest, Computer Boy and I enjoyed a fabulous sushi feast! Good thing I spent all that time learning how to deal with variables!. No knowledge goes unused.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Best Wishes for 2008

Jewel

More Jokes

Santa Claus is a woman!

Santa Claus is a woman because:

* The vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a last-minute shopping spree.
* For a he-Santa, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh.
* Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
* For a Santa man, there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repaint bricks in the flue.
* He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the 'Ho Ho Ho' thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

Santa is certainly a Man!

Santa Claus is undoubtedly a man because:

* Santa doesn't deliver his presents on The Friday after Thanksgiving when the malls are open for 20 hours. Christmas Eve deliveries prove Mr. Claus to be a man.
* Santa's reindeer is so drunk that his nose glows as his navigator. A woman would never let out those cute deer to work on Christmas Eve because it's too cold, and perhaps she would dress them in sweaters and booties.
* Only a male Santa can ignore 'fashion' and wear the same suit for 500 years.
* Santa has never been known to answer a letter.
* Women aren't interested in stockings unless someone better looking than them is wearing them.
* As many presents as Santa delivers he has no trouble with babes.
* Only men have the ability to stay up for 24 hours straight in the cold with a bunch of mangy deer going up and down soot-infested chimneys.
* A woman would never even think of going down a chimney and risk staining that red velvet.
* Commitment requires that Christmas be on the same day each year. A female Santa would delay Christmas until she can touch-up her makeup and do her hair after leaving each house.

***

At Grandma's

Two little boys went to their grandparents' place for Christmas. At bedtime, the youngest one began to pray at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

The older brother exclaimed, "Why are you shouting? Do you thing God is deaf." The little one promptly replied, "Nope! But Grandma certainly is!"

December 3, 2007
Next Post date: January 7, 2008
Merry Christmas!

And- doesn't anyone know a J. Davis who lost an iPod? Email Jewel if you do. See the July 07 archive.

2007!

Jokes

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D"

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Black Mail

Who delivers the cat's Christmas presents?
Santa Paws

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!

***

Santa Stats

* U.S. has 78 people registered under S. Claus and one under Kriss Kringle
* December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
* Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.
* Number of reindeers required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh: 214,206 plus Rudolph.
* Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20.
* To deliver all his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second (at 3,000 times the speed of sound).
* At that speed, Santa and his reindeers would instantaneously burst into flames in Earth's atmosphere just like meteors.

***

* There is no ideal Christmas; only the one Christmas you decide to make as a reflection of your values, desires, affections, traditions.
- Bill McKibben
* Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.
- Norman Vincent Peale
* Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.
- Hamilton Wright Mabi
* Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of hearts for almost two thousand years... Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart.
- George Mathhew Adams
* Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind.
- Mary Ellen Chase
* Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles.
- Anonymous
* If there is no joyous way to give a festive gift, give love away.
- Anonymous
* From Home to home, and heart to heart, from one place to another. The warmth and joy of Christmas, brings us closer to each other.
- Emily Matthews
* The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
- Jay Leno
* A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long-standing.
- Anonymous
* He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.
- Sunshine Magazine
* What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace.
- Agnes M. Pharo
* Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year's gifts.
- Anonymous
* Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveler back to his own fireside and quiet home!
- Charles Dickens
* The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others' burdens, easing other's loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas.
- W. C. Jones
* The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.
- Burton Hillis
* I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.
- Harlan Miller
* Peace on earth will come to stay, when we live Christmas every day.
- Helen Steiner Rice

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